Sunday, May 25, 2008

what I want so much should never hurt this bad

I was planning on writing about church this morning and it seems someone else had the same idea. Today the topic was "self-control." You already know it was hard for me to think outside the box on that one. I was there for a reason, the message was there for me, I don't need to be worrying about anybody else. The scripture was 1 Corinthians chapter 10:

23"Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive. 24Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.

31So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 32Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— 33even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.
It was a great message. When we give up something, save money or otherwise, are we doing it so that we're able to provide more for others, or just to serve ourselves? What does self control look like for me? I don't care what the world is doing, I'm still my harshest critic, I'm still holding myself to the highest standard, and no matter what the world would expect from me, I have to go above and beyond that. I was once told to go until you can't go anymore, until someone slams the door in your face. No one has slammed the door yet, what I look like slamming my own door?

I've been real strong. I try to keep everything in perspective and make sure my people know I'm doing good, my life is great, in the grand scheme of the world my little problems aren't anything. But, like I tell my girls, it's still okay to be mad, to hurt, and to lose your self control. It's okay...but at the same time I feel like I have to rise above that. What I look like losing my cool? What I look like worrying about what comes next? What I look like getting myself into a situation I can't get out of? Eleanor Roosevelt once said "A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water." Lord, if that ain't the truth. I would've never guessed. I made a note to myself in January that I just read: "
It is better to fully trust in another and give them your all and to be hurt in the end than to be suspicious and hurt throughout just to end up being hurt in the end anyway. It's the same pain. You might as well be happy in the meantime." I don't have a regret in the world. I can rationalize everything that I've done. I'm not here to judge a single other person, but I will judge myself. If I can't wake up and look myself in the mirror I don't expect anybody else to be able to look at me. And still, I must rise.

The other day I picked up my brother from school. Tootie is severely disabled from a bout with meningitis and can barely communicate by usual standards. He loves to ride around with me with the windows down and our music blaring with our shades on. I played the song below and bless my soul if that boy didn't start singing just as loud as I was. He apparently knows the song and seeing that... I can't even describe it. Nothing else matters. I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm better, so much better... never would have made it.

"This world'll try to break you with lies and fables
Make you not even believe in you no more
Had to get back to me, get back to mines
Get back to fam, get back to rhymes
Lay down at night and say without shame
Today I was a [wo]man, tomorrow I'll be the same
Be a bonfire when others are just a flame
Be a memory when others are just a name...
That's real words from a true heart
You can take it as a old ending or a new start"
-- Phonte

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