each must believe for himself

"Each must believe for himself.

Each soul chooses for itself.

No other can choose for it; in all the world there is no authority for anyone save his own soul....

Every man gives his life for what he believes. Every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or nothing:

One life is all we have, and we live it as we believe in living it, and then it's gone. But to surrender what you are, and live without belief--that's more terrible than dying--more terrible than dying young."

--the character of Joan of Arc in the 1946 play "Joan of Lorraine" written by Maxwell Anderson

We had a rainy day, I'm in a snake back situation.

Shuggie Otis - Inspiration Information + lyrics (because they are NOT clear)


Be my best friend and find me that on an LP.

I'm not really sure what to think of the fact that traffic here has stayed pretty much constant despite my neglect of The Thirteenth Floor. Not surprisingly high, but consistent nonetheless. Either I'm doing something right or I'm not doing anything at all, I suppose.

I said I wouldn't talk if I didn't have anything to say. I'm not necessarily here to vent, to talk about daily life, to reflect on the injustices in everyday occurrences, I have journals for that and privacy concerns about that. I'm not here to bootleg music, to ridicule others, or to gossip about people I probably will never meet. I'm not interested in building up a huge internet following nor do I have a fantastic agenda for publishing a really insightful blog. What am I here for then? I guess I'm waiting for inspiration to strike. Maybe when I have something that I believe to be worthwhile to say it'll hit a few more people than if I just tell a couple of close friends. Maybe I'll write something that the person who happened to stumble over here from a mistyped Google search will read and have it hit home. Maybe in sharing a piece of myself those who know me in "real life" will read something that makes them realize I'm just like them or not like them at all and it will incite some necessary (for either party) conversation. Maybe it's just wishful thinking. I really want to get a Tumblr and just post up quotes and stray comments and pictures that happen to move me - but at the point that I'm combining Twitter and Blogger when I already have both, I'm pretty sure I'm just getting lazy and contributing nothing to this pseudo Internet society. Meh.

Soooo it's about 1:30 AM - an hour or two before my usual bedtime. I've studied literally from dawn to dusk this week and I've had my fill. The things that happen physiologically after being in the libraries so many hours in a week are really strange. Emotions are a lot more variable, you lose sight of what's an appropriate reaction, your eating habits get downright questionable, and you start operating on what feels like the margin of The Matrix. I love it. I've had more meaningful, prolonged conversations with people I rarely get the chance to see this week. While I've missed a week of cramming for dance shows, I have met a ton of other obligations and accomplished a lot academically. I have seen how campus is different at 8 AM from 4 AM - it involves multiple raccoons - and taken the time to sit for a minute and enjoy the moment. I'm especially reflective because the finish line is in view - this game of higher education is winding up in May and I'm starting an entirely new chapter of life. The road has been anything but easy and now I stand in a place where I wonder if my adolescent self would even recognize who I am today. "I've seen fire, and I've seen rain. I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end." (c) James Taylor. I've carefully, painfully, sometimes impatiently refined a self and a faith that will have to see me through. I've lived days where I didn't think it was possible to be more alive and I've lived other days where I felt more intensely than words can express that, were it not for my faith, I would not be standing. I've seen absolute evil and beautiful grace and sacrifice. Endured the worst times of my life right next to the best. Kissed headstones of those dearest to me and welcomed a whole slew of lifelong friends. Confirmed every young person's fears that I don't always fit in, and realized that I wouldn't ever want to. Learned the hard way that if you don't stand for something, you absolutely are destined to fall for anything - only to bounce back knowing that "nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent" (c) Eleanor Roosevelt. I'm not sure what tomorrow will look like, much less the rest of my life - but it's through the insane amount of perseverance ( in addition to a whole lot of blessings, perhaps some luck, and a support team you can count on) that it takes to make it through college and young adulthood on nights like tonight that I know I'm living for a purpose, that this thing is bigger than me and you, that if I can just rise above for one more day I might get another moment of clarity. I guess I did have something to say. Thank you, and good night.